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Kava's Proposal
A letter distributed throughout Ralkeis. Some Akarvian merchants happened to stumble upon it and, shocked (once it had been translated for them), brought it back to be printed in their local newspaper. From there, it has spread like wildfire. This proposal's source is Sister Kava, a nun of Chorkichi of no mean standing—particularly considering her young age. Little is known of how the letter itself was acquired or who its original recipient was, but its origin has been confirmed to be authentic. A MODEST PROPOSAL by Sister Kava vik Chorkichi It is with a heavy heart and sad eyes that I have watched the decay that plagues our world. Nether spirits, that special kind of mildew so eager to infest a new realm, crawl into the Overworld through cracks and crannies. Power-hungry lunatics with delusions of grandeur put crossbows at our throats and knives at our children, forcing submission that then comes so cheaply. Contempt for our way of life is as shrill and vicious as ever, whether it come from Varrenholm, Namess, or even that so-called beacon of free thought, Akarv. And how is Akarv? I have asked this question often. Akarv has no interest in dealing with us. We have received not one visitor to our humble island since our doors opened. I am four years older than I was during the first presidential debate, and still I am not wholly convinced that Akarvians exist. The only word we have of them, it seems, comes from those concerned at Akarv's barbaric practices regarding merfolk! There is a pestilence upon Voldrania. Nonbelievers swarm us from all sides, my fellow Ralkish citizens, and like a pestilence they can only spread. There is but one cure for a disease that has totally consumed its host. Voldrania has been afflicted with parasites, and whether the host wishes it or not, the only totally /sure/ means of eliminating parasites from a host is through flames. So, indeed, as Yubbeous Skink has proclaimed, let us burn them. Let us burn them, my colleagues. Let fire descend. Let the gates of Hell open and through them march our gods to fight theirs. Our gods—our saints, our Void Destroyer, our Gary Gyravan—must march forth to kill "The Father", to throw the "Demon" into the jaws of a ghast, to tie the Serpent in knots and to punt C'lestia's sun across the stars. It is us against them. Our world may burn for it. We may lose the sun and moon—but L'wna and C'lestia were not worth having. Let us take Namess's precious "Overworld" that they love so much and shred it to pieces. Let us open those gates of Hell and prop them open with the stiff corpse of the High Druid, that forces of flame and frost might march into both worlds. As those of the Cascade faith often proclaim, after all, the strong will survive. So for those who would challenge Chorkichi's greatness, my colleagues, I say: Throw them into the volcanoes of old. Those who swim through to the other side must be righteous. Remember the tale of Saint Salem, that foreign witch our people drowned in answer to her demands for free song? We drowned her to prove that she was a witch of evil—for a witch of good would surely have survived. Let us repeat the test here. Let us heed the call of Skink and let this world burn. From the ashes will rise twigs and sprigs of a new order—a world ruled by the strong. Flood Namess. Blast open Akarv's false hills and let loose the merfolk people once more. The skiths—well, the skiths can live. We wouldn't want to hurt those charming creatures, would we? And they have the nicest plays! But let us hark back to the age of the Trikash. Collapse the old empire, that the new one shall rise. Just as Trikash rule now, let us rule the future. Burn it all. Burn the land, freeze the plants, salt the earth, and deliver the children to an orphanage to be educated in our righteousness. Then, when they manage our world, they will remember our lessons and think, "Were they not wise? Were they not just? Did they not understand well the meaning of good and balance?" It is, I know, a modest proposal. There are doubtless more drastic actions—Yubbeous Skink, for instance, would likely be able to invent something utterly extreme. But I feel that this would be a good start. Grab your torch, grab your bow, and grab your snorkeling gear. Set your sights on your neighbors and begin the purge. Let it burn. Let it burn. Let it burn. An Analysis of Recent Controversy (an excerpt) by Richard Emmyess I am sad to say I was not surprised at the numerous factual failings in Sister Kava's "paper". It is, frankly, further proof that nuns are simply too cloistered to understand religious or ethnic conflicts (as I previously discussed in my well-known and accoladed treatise, "A Kitchen in the Citadel: A Consideration"). Outlined below are just a few of the key factual errors in the piece. "Akarv has no interest in dealing with us. We have received not one visitor to our humble island since our doors opened." My, Kava, you certainly don't get out much, do you? While I, as a proud Yore, am not qualified to discuss Akarv's governmental choices, Ralkeis's "doors" are not as open as you seem to suppose. Certainly, merchants are allowed within, but strict policies are in place to prevent "contamination". Outsiders are only permitted within your "holy" locations with explicit permission from your impotent president. Indeed, many of your own colleagues (though I hesitate to apply the word here) in Chorkichi have supported such laws! Your nation is bigoted and ethnocentric, and they do not visit because you do not let them. "The only word we have of them, it seems, comes from those concerned at Akarv's barbaric practices regarding merfolk!" Oh, my goodness, Kava. You are stupid. Please note, readers, that this mythology in Ralkeis is gaining weight specifically because of Ralkeis's bigoted attitude towards difference. I wish I could believe this was all some sort of satire, but I don't think Kava has the capacity. "Our gods—our saints, our Void Destroyer, our Gary Gyravan..." ...what? Gyravan isn't a god. While it is nice to hear the Netherans admitting that their so-called "saints" might as well be deities for all the greatness ascribed to them, Kava seems to have some very strange views on the war criminal who, might I add for my Akarvian readership, attacked an Akarvian archery school right here in our backyard. This is the sort of attitude Ralkish bring to the table, ladies and gentlemen: "All hail war criminals, monsters, and child murderers!" "...to throw Herobrine into the jaws of a ghast..." You...do understand that Herobine is evil, right? Go ahead and through him into the jaws of one of your Netheran brethren. "Let us take Namess's precious "Overworld" that they love so much and shred it to pieces." So much for your claims, Netherans, of any sort of aspirations for "balance". Apparently you worship the Nether and Overworld together right up until it becomes inconvenient to do so. You, erm, do know that you live in the Overworld, right? "Throw them into the volcanoes of old. Those who swim through to the other side must be righteous. Remember the tale of Saint Salem, that foreign witch our people drowned in answer to her demands for free song? We drowned her to prove that she was a witch of evil—for a witch of good would surely have survived." While I hate to give Netherans any sort of credit, Saint Salem was actually killed wrongly, as most recognize. Of course, most non-Ralkish also agree that she was not a Ralkish saint at all! She possessed not the slightest drop of Kerlse within her bloodstream. And why would you canonize someone you thought was an evil witch? This reads like Netheran fanfiction of a reality that fits their twisted ideology. "Just as Trikash rule now, let us rule the future." But the Trikash are all dead. Does she read history books? Have they taught her to read? "Yubbeous Skink, for instance, would likely be able to invent something utterly extreme." This much is true. Review of Kava's Letter, by; Noble-Skith, Tsai Khizar Tsai Khizar is the famous Skith, whom managed to negotiate an interview with the famous rebel, James Navor II, and published the aforemented interview in the popular Skith publication; A Skith's view of the World. Tsai Khizar has lived with many of the Skith tribes, and is widely considered a Skith expert on Skiths. Hrrrmmmm.... Hrrrrrrmmm... Greetings Heigeons. I am Tsai Khizar. My achievements precede me. So then, I have been tasked with expressing the official views of Kar'Skith in regards to this most concerning letter that has sent many governments into a chaotic frenzy. Firstly, and foremostly, the isle of Kar'Skith fully recognizes the sovereignty of Ralkeis. With that established, I can begin. The Skiths can see how Sister Kava feels the way she does. We understand. The following passage seemed like an eerie resemblance to our own struggles for legitimacy; :: Contempt for our way of life is as shrill and vicious as ever, whether it come from Varrenholm, Namess, or even that so-called beacon of free thought, Akarv. We fully relate here. Skiths are always viewed with a certain contempt, one that, has occasionally sent our great Szija into an angry and destructive frenzy. We have witnessed Szija go berserk to such a degree, he ends up destroying entire populations of nigthcrawlers on small islands -- with his bare fists. It is a terrifying sight to behold. Though, we gravely disagree when it comes to Akarv. The Skiths have received much due praise by the heigeons in Akarv. They recognize true art and beauty, and praise it highly. I can certainly confirm first hand, Akarvians do exist. They are not a myth. Unlike Dwarves, which are truly a myth. :: There is a pestilence upon Voldrania. '' Skiths agree once more. :: ''Let fire descend. Let the gates of Hell open and through them march our gods to fight theirs. Errhm.. Skiths would not like this. Not at all. Skith gods terrify even the Skiths who worship them. The great Skith God, Vladivarak, terrifies even I. A mountain this god is, a mountain that is sentient and can summon great boulders from the sky, and he cries a molten rock unlike anything else. Skiths would much rather not see Vladivarak roam free on these lands. :: Let us open those gates of Hell and prop them open with the stiff corpse of the High Druid, that forces of flame and frost might march into both worlds. Errm. Szija personally disagrees on the premise that the High priesty is a good heigeon. Rest of Skiths not sure. Will write back when we come to consensus. :: As those of the Cascade faith often proclaim, after all, the strong will survive. '' Skiths agree. Strongest Skiths are always least deadiest. :: ''The skiths—well, the skiths can live. We wouldn't want to hurt those charming creatures, would we? And they have the nicest plays! Skiths are thankful for your kind words and compliments. Skiths are strong, Skiths prove this often. Even Dravii hold Skiths in high esteem. Even Ralkish do, it seems. Skiths very happy. Skiths would welcome Kava over some time, show Kava Kar'Skith. Kava is welcome in Kar'Skith. 'Conclusion:' Skiths have concluded, we... Do not want to fight Ralkeis. So Skiths will not aid the foreigners, under any circumstances, in their wicked and twisted endeavors against the Ralkish. Skiths fully recognize Ralkeis is justified in holding these views, which it holds, and Skiths will respect these views. Kar'Skith, as the spokesplace of all Skiths, will hoever not aid Ralkeis in these endeavours. Though individual Skiths, if they so please, may act for or against Ralkeis as they so please -- Vladivarak will bless those Skiths who aid Ralkeis. This concludes the views of Kar'Skith on this matter. Court Hearing to Caliph Harun Main page Category:New Voldrania Category:Ralkeis Category:In Character Category:Literature